Going into care meant getting used to new homes, new families and new people. Years later, when I went to prison at sixteen, I was facing another unfamiliar place. I could put on a front, but arriving there was still scary. In this conversation, I look back at those experiences and what I want to change now.
Getting used to different homes
I went into care after leaving my mum's. A lot of it was about meeting people and learning to adapt. I find it hard to describe exactly how I felt back then, but I remember being a little nervous about moving from home to home.
One placement stood out. Living with Auntie Peggy and Uncle Edison felt close to the family life I remembered with my mum and dad. My mum met Auntie Peggy and was happy. That last foster placement before I went home was my best one.
Friends, school and being out late
Being out on the streets started with playing out after school. I wanted comfort and friends, and I wasn't always rushing home. There were restrictions on when I should be back, but I didn't always stick to them.
I was good at maths in primary school. Secondary school was different: I didn't concentrate as much. I also don't want to put all the blame for my behaviour on other people. People told me to do right. One close friend and I started getting into trouble together, and others joined us as we got older.
Arriving at Feltham at sixteen
My first sentence was six weeks, when I was sixteen. I went to Feltham. I had visited my brother there before, but seeing it as a visitor wasn't the same as arriving to stay.
Editor's note: The recording mentions both 1996 and 1986 for this first sentence. The year is therefore left unspecified here.
Once I got there, it was scary. There were people from different areas and it was a testing environment. Moving through care had given me experience of meeting different people and dealing with challenging situations, but that didn't make the first night or two easy.
The emotional cost and wanting to stop
I've been to prison plenty of times. When I talk about its effect on me, the emotional side is what gets me. I felt I could cope with the physical side, but there were other effects that came with being inside.
I've left prison before and told my kids it would be the last time, then gone back into the same cycle. This time I've been thinking differently, doing some reading and reflecting on things. I've had enough. Saying that before didn't stop me repeating it; that's part of what I have to be honest about now.
Adapted from my video with AI assistance. The video is the original account.
Read the video transcript +
Yeah, welcome, Legions Word. Yeah, and today I've got my good family and friends around me, Afro and Tony. Hello. Hi. Yeah, so I'm going to continue my life story and it taught me. So the first question is, take me right back to what was Legions as a child? Legion or Legion? Lee or Legion? I'll go with Lee, still. There was no Legion. So what was the upbringing and your childhood memories? Upbringing and childhood, when's that from? Just being young? Yeah. Being in care, maybe. I don't know, when I left my mum's and I went into the care system. Maybe that's when it started changing. And what do you remember about your family and your home life in those early years? Family, home life. Family and home life, what's that, my mum and my dad? Yeah, it was nice. It was alright. It's just family life. I can't go any further. Yeah, it was comfortable. It was okay. And what was being in care actually like? Not what people assume, but what you actually experienced. Could you elaborate? Being in care, what was it like? What I experienced? You know what? Being real when I was young, I was, I'm not scared, but yeah, it's just finding new homes, new family, new experience. Just meeting people and just being able to adapt to these people. And emotionally, it wasn't, yeah, I was alright with it still. It's not, I don't know how I was feeling still. I can't tell how I was feeling still. I don't know. Emotionally, and yeah, a little bit nervous going home to home, but that's about it. So when you eventually went back home, how did it change? Was going back home after being in care, did you feel like an impact of change? Did you feel like you changed or home changed going back home after being in care? Yeah, 100%, because to be fair, because it was something I was growing up with and I was in care in it, so my brothers went in care, so it didn't feel like I was getting done over, if you know what I'm trying to say. But in terms of how it went, say that again, when I left? So when you was in care and then they returned you back home to your parents' house, did you feel there was a massive change to you or at home, in the home, when you returned home? Yeah, because... Returning to your family, returning to your mum and dad. Yeah, change towards my mum and my dad.
Yeah, no, not in a, not in a, like, like, like, oh, I don't like them and they shouldn't have sent me away. Because remember, I didn't know what, it was actually normal to me. So would you say that you felt like you appreciated going home more and being at home with your family than as opposed to being in care? 100%. Other than, not other than, I shouldn't say that. Other than Auntie Peggy when I lived in Stone Lane, that foster care was as close to a mum and how my mum, how my good memories of my mum. So take the rest of them out. That one was, I was happy being in Auntie Peggy's in Stone Lane. And did your mum get on with Auntie Peggy? She met her, she met her and she was happy. She met us and she was happy. And she gave me the full of mum and dad and Uncle Edison as well. So I can't forget Uncle Edison. So that was kind of as close as I could have got to my mum and dad. How I'd assume a normal family would live then. Out of all the foster care. So my last one was actually my best one before I went home. So when did the streets start becoming a bigger influence on you than home or school? The streets. How did it start influencing you? Was it when you went to care or when you was at home or when you was at school? To be fair, my influence with the streets was always when I was in care. I think I went maybe 6, 7, 8 or 9. But I was always on the streets. But a lot of my friends was on the streets. So was that from playing out? Yeah, playing out after school. From 6, 7 I've been on the road. I was actually on the pavement late. I was one of the late ones coming home after school, yeah. So after school you went straight out playing out? You didn't come home and get changed? Sometimes, no. You didn't have your dinner like what parents say? No, sometimes I did. That's 10 and a half years ago. Sometimes I went home, had the sandwich, took on my school uniform and went home 100%. Early years in primary school, 100%. And was there restrictions of how long you could play out from your parents? There was always a restriction. And did you stick to your restrictions? No, most of the time. Me and my friends, I was always with someone anyway. And if I'm talking to a primary school, yeah, maybe an hour late, half an hour late sometimes. I remember that was just, yeah, maybe, not really, but always in shouting distance. Sometimes I'm at the park, so I'm always somewhere where I can be found. So visually she could find you. Not visually, but vocally maybe. And maybe someone else could send a message to say he's passed his home time or whatever. All right. So what were you looking for at the age? Was you looking for money, belonging, respect, protection, excitement, something else? What was you looking for while, you know, you was in your moment, for example? Yeah, do you know what? Yeah, comfort, friends, yeah. Not rushing home just yet. Because remember, I'm the one rushing home for. Do you understand that? And remember, if I go back into my early years in school, I told you, I remember them houses where them kids rushed home. There was a lot going on in it.
And up now, it was nothing to rush home for. I remember I didn't come from that computer school, so I might have had a computer, so I've got three types of play computer, you know what I'm saying? So in time... So you felt like you had probably more energy even after school, and it wasn't about just going home, eating dinner, maybe watch a movie, do a bit of homework, you know? No, no. You had energy? Depending on what years, remember my dad's discipline, so I was doing homework, I was good at maths. Oh, that's good. So I was very good with books, and remember that wasn't my problem. How old was you then? What? How old, you know, how old was you? Was you in a secondary school, was you in... No, my best days of maths was in primary school. Primary? Yeah, primary. And then secondary never got, do you know what I mean? I didn't concentrate that much in secondary. Do you think it's the school that you went to? In secondary? Yeah, yeah. 100% of the influence? If I'd have went to the one with the, yeah, yeah. Yeah? If I'd have went with my mates, it might have been different, yeah, but I got done over in Willowfield. Oh, did you? So when did things become serious enough that you realised that this wasn't just teenage behaviour anymore? When did you have a self-realisation about yourself when you were continuing, obviously, playing out, getting involved with probably peers, that type of thing? You know, like we've got peers, an older crowd. But who influenced you? Who was your peer? As I said, remember, I've got, to be fair, influences is mad, because remember, we was, there's a gap between me and my brother's friends. And so I wasn't, no one's told me to do wrong. No, people told me to do right. So my influences, I'm an influence myself as well. So I was, I found myself, I was naughty on my own, but not naughty on my own because I didn't come on my own. My other friends, I've got friends that, especially one of my close friends, we kind of met, and then me and him kind of got naughty together. I remember the first time I'd done anything naughty, I was with one person, and me and him became naughty together. Okay, so you both sort of collaborated. Yeah. They call it networking and collaboration. Yeah. Okay. As the age grew, I mean, a few of us just started joining each other and so on. Right, so I'm going to ask you, I've got two more questions to ask now. Yeah. So take me to your first experience of prison. What do you remember about walking through those doors, and what age was you? Your first sentence. My first sentence was... How old was you? Sixteen. I'm born in 1980, so I'm going to be sixteen November 1996. And which, where was... October, November 1996, I think. And what did you do? It's mad, it's a mad story, because as I said, we used to do silly stuff on the road, yeah. And I was that manipulated. I met some old guy, but cut a long story short, he just said some little dodgy thing was going on, and he wanted me to go and see some guy and borrow some money off some guy, but I needed a few of us to borrow the money off the guy. Cut a long story short, that went on.
So what prison was it that you went to, your first prison experience? I went to Feltham 1986, in October, November. And how long did you get? Six weeks. Six weeks, so how did it feel? Well, to be fair, my brother's been away before. I know, but you went through that door. How did you feel? You're on your own now, you're going through Feltham. What was the first experience when you're walking through that door, when you was in the court, when you were sentenced? How did it feel at 16? Well, to be fair, at that time I was just half in... I don't even think I was in... I might have been in a relationship, I think I was in a relationship. That was a problem already, I thought, shit, the girl. Number two, my brother, why I said my brother, because he explained to me about prison, but it's not going to make me feel any different because he's explaining, good. So when I first got reminded of Wolven Boys Magistrates, to be fair, I was... I don't know how I felt, but the officer there, he could see maybe a bit of concern on my face. I remember the officer, he said, listen, it's not as scary as you should think it is. So you look a bit worried. That's what he said to me, you look a bit worried, but everything's all right. Sweet. So, but I remember... What I wanted to get from you, rightly, is so the youths can understand. And I've always said this, well, I've heard this, imagine going in your bathroom and locking the door, that's the space that you're going to live in. So I just want you to elaborate, like when you first went in, you saw all these prison guards, for example, officers with their chains and keys. It's a prison with barbed wire, for example. You're 16, you're on your own now, no parents. How did that impact you? Or didn't impact you? Because you've already been psychologically told what it's going to be like. In that sense, because I did visit my brother in there before I went in there. So I definitely went to visit. So I've seen the place from another side. For me, it was 100%. Once the bus went and I got there, it was a bit scary. Remember, I take it, I think I can carry myself. But when you're in an environment with different areas, and the problem's got different areas, there's different soldiers, like every area's got someone. So it was a bit testing, but I've come from children now. I've come from foster. So I've met different people all the time, challenging foster brothers. So for me... So you'd say that gave you a bit of confidence? 100%. That's what I wanted to say, because there's other people who have been in prison and they've done something naughty or whatever, and some people can cope, some people cannot cope. So that's what I wanted to ask you. But because now you're saying, because you've had that experience of going into different environments, you were like, okay, all right, I'm here. I was here and it sounds mad. It didn't work for the first night, the second night, because I was still like, bro, what's happening? But for me, it sounds bad. It worked for me. So how did you... Did you speak to your mum and dad? How did they feel? Yeah, my mum was...
My mum's gonna visit me straight away, but my mum's kind of hard as well. So she, one thing we wasn't in dispute in the science matters, they wasn't worried about me in other things, not physically to be beat, even though they say- You had older brothers then, yeah. Not in the prison. No, but they, you've got like- I've been taught a way where you just, you kind of get through in it. And there's some, yeah, so that experience with me, prison was just, it was like another youth centre, you know, or foster care, that I'm not going home. So last question, what did prison do to you mentally? Well, from the first time I went in, from the first- The whole experience of prison, how many times have you been sentenced? And you've been away? I've been away loads of times, mentally. Mentally, you know what, mentally, it's mental, innit? My thing's more emotionally. The emotion can get me. Physical, I can take pain, not pain, well yeah, I can take the physical pain, I can do that side of things. But the little, you know, the other spiral effect that comes with prison, innit? Just one more question. Go on. That's my question. So I wanted to like, ask, what age did you say, right, and it was the last sentence, for example, that's it, I've had enough. This is the red line, I've had enough now. Truth be told, I'm 46, I think my last sentence, my last sentence is, when did I come out? June the 23rd, 2025, we're in 2026, yeah? Yeah. Is it 2025? Yeah. So I've been out, what, 15 months? 17 months? And that's where you're drawing the red line? That's where, yeah, as I left the gate, I'm not going to lie to you, as I left the gate loads of times, I told my kids this loads of times, like, oh, this is going to be the last time, and I went on to repeat it till 46. So, yeah, I've done different thinking this time, I've done some little short reads, I've reflected on things, and I've just, do you know what, to be fair, because I've had enough. Yeah, I've had enough. It's long. Yeah. It's long now. It takes time. Enough is enough. It takes time. But everyone has that line, you know? Some people go in once, for example, and they say, that's it for me. I can't, this is not for me. Especially if they went in Pentonville, for example, and other places, oh, there's cockroach, someone's nicked your clothes. You know, like, because obviously I've done different projects and heard that. So that's what I'm saying. All right. So that's my questions for you.
